I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
