The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize