btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
