I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
