I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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