Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We were destined to go to rehab together
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
