I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
