The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
