So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
