Will you blow on my dice?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
