dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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