I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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