Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
