I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
