remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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