Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
