At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
