I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
