You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
