Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
being pregnant is like rehab
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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