Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
