Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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