I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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