my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
