wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
