I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize