When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize