Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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