you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
