I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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