I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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