I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Congratulations! We have a period
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