you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
