Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
