I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
how do you play pong handcuffed?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
