I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
