You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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