I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
