I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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