I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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