when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
