the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i will never coherently bang her
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
