Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
is that a dick in a sweater?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
