I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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