hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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