Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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