i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
