Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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