I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
