I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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