I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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