i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
