I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
