Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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