I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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