fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
