Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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