True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
