My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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